Reflections

We had an absolutely lovely Christmas season this year. There was opportunity to spend time with many loved ones and plenty of fun parties. We enjoyed a much-anticipated preschool program, in which Eden debuted as a Shepherd and Sebastien was Gabriel.

Over the course of 6 weeks or so, our kids re-told the Nativity story so many times and in so many ways, we might have forgotten the actual story. But hearing them shout "Glory to God in the Highest" and watching them take turns shoving dolls and stuffed animals up their shirts as they pretended to be Mary... was priceless. Our kids are at such a wonderful age; it is all fun and magical, and opening presents is simply fun - no matter what is inside, how much it costs, how big it is... it's all about joy and surprise to them. And people were so very generous with our children again this year. What a blessing.

I find myself reflecting on life right now, and find myself quite emotional. I am reading a book (at my husband's recommendation) called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, which is all about vulnerability. It's a great book so far. And I'm about to give blogging vulnerably a try. Bear with me.

I am full of love and joy and celebration for the stage of life that my family is in. At the same time, I am grieving as I feel it passing...

Having babies and young children has been my absolute favorite time in life so far... Maybe this goes without saying. Yes, it's hard work and exhausting at times. Yes, it takes patience, deep breaths and concentration. Surely I find myself needing to be incredibly intentional. Certainly, I am getting gray hair and it's hard to do things to take care of myself, and sometimes even my marriage. But it has also brought so much heart-bursting joy. I have never smiled so much and so hard.

Sometimes Violet runs to me, in a 2-year-old run, which is so precious because there is still some toddler waddle in it. It's not the determined, big kid run of a 3 year old, yet it has more coordination than a 1 year old. Anyway, she runs to me and throws her arms around me. And then her chubby 2 year old hand starts to pat. Just her hand, not her whole arm. She just pat-pat-pats my arm or my back. And I want to memorize the feeling. When I hold her and she sinks into me, head on my shoulder, body against mine, and I feel her soft, fine, blonde hair. I want to remember it forever. I don't want to be done with those moments.

Sometimes Sebastien crawls into our bed in the middle of the night. And oh is the boy wiggly when he does this. I get kicked and elbowed a lot at first. But then, he starts to settle, and his hands find mine. Sometimes he intertwines his fingers with mine, holding my hand. But most of the time he leads my hand to his bare belly or bare back and he wants me to rub. And my heart fills - even at 2am. And other times, he sings. He sings his heart out and he knows all the words to all the songs. He knows all the instruments and their sounds, and he shouts them out as he hears them sometimes as he dances. And I am in love. Someday will he be too big and cool for this?

Sometimes Eden dances. She dances with freedom and certainty. Her face and body become graceful, and she loves what she is doing. And the smile that I smile is reserved for this. And sometimes Eden talks. Ok, Eden talks all the time. But her brain is kind of awesome in the way it processes information. We can see the wheels turning. She asks a million questions and they are good, thoughtful questions. And she listens hard when we respond. And it feels important that we have these conversations. Sometimes Eden crawls close and wants to be read to, or talked to, or sung with. She wants just to be with us. She just needs to be seen and heard. And my love swells and the feeling that this is my honor fills me. What happens when she doesn't need to be seen and heard by me anymore?

And sometimes these three get giggly together. They fall all over each other laughing and playing, pretending, singing, making up stories and songs, reading with each other. Can there be anything more wonderful than the three most wonderful people being wonderful together?

So far each phase of their development has gotten more and more fantastic. So I trust God that as my kids grow, I will of course fall more and more in love with them. I will enjoy the new parts of them and the new parts of our life. We'll have fun and be silly in new ways and we'll have adventures. I trust God, and I trust love.

But sometimes as we're talking about Kindergarten for the twins, researching schools and mulling over (Should they be the youngest in their class or the oldest? Is it ok if Violet is 3 years behind the twins in school when they are only 2 years apart actually? etc etc.), as we start to potty train and talk about Violet in preschool next year.... Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes the grief of this stage ending catches me off guard and my stomach clinches and my chest tightens. Mixed in the grief is fear (what if I'm no good at this next part? What if I've actually messed up this first, ever-so-crucial part?), bargaining out of desperation (maybe just one more baby?), sadness (no, no more babies...we're really done), and a whole host of other stuff. You know, feelings stuff. Feelings about how long I waited to hold those babies in my arms, about all the fear I had that I would never get to hold the babies... and now the baby part is done?

So I breathe. I breathe into the feelings. Because it's all I can do.

That's not true. I also pray. Pray that God takes care of it. And also I truly try to just "be" with the kids, especially when those "sometimes" moments hit me. The preciousness of those moments urges me to not vacuum sometimes, to put my phone down, to keep the iPad on the counter, to put the dirty dishes down for a moment, lean over and look into my kids' eyes while they talk to me. I don't do this perfectly - the pressure to be better at keeping house is just too much, not to mention that some days (especially in the winter) I need Facebook to remind me that there is life outside of this house full of little people.

But overall, this is my goal this year. To feel the grief, because that's healthy and therapeutic and whatnot. But more, to celebrate and engage in the now. To be with my two four-year-olds and my two-year-old and remember that the days are at times long, but the years are short.

Paci-free home

Around the end of November, Violet's very last paci broke. And it actually broke, we didn't break it for her. In the summer, when she was sleeping with 4 or 5 pacis every night, I did break two, then we lost one (and when I found it, it stayed "Lost"), she broke one... We were finally down to just one this fall. I knew that I should just break it and break her of the habit, but I also knew that it couldn't last forever the way she was chomping on it. So I decided to let it happen when it was going to happen.

One Sunday night, she started crying from her crib and when I went in, she handed me her paci - which she would never willingly do at bedtime - and I knew. "You throw it in the garbage?" she wailed. "I sleep with a broken paci," she changed her mind again and again about whether this broken, malfunctioning paci should be in bed with her or in the garbage. Finally, I threw it away.

When we broke the twins' pacis it was one tough weekend and then we pretty much went back to normal. Not so with Violet, being older and perhaps more attached to her paci. The first couple of days were similar, with a lot of crying, a lot of grieving and not much sleep.

But now, six weeks later or so, Violet still is struggling with her sleep. She naps only every 3rd or 4th day now. And she has a very hard time settling into sleep at night as well. She just can't get comfortable, it's harder for her to relax. And sometimes Violet won't sleep in her big girl bed, she wants her crib. She also seems to want me more than ever before.

Violet has always been a great sleeper, so we are adjusting to her resistance of sleep. I trust that eventually she'll settle in, but I'll admit that this process has been harder than I expected. Looking back I can see that I waited too long, we should have done this when she was much younger. But regardless, it's done and in the long run, it's good that it's done.

Reading and Writing

I've been wanting to document the twins' reading and writing progress for awhile. With special attention to Eden's, as there's little documentation so far that she can read or write. We knew she could do both because we have caught her a couple of times when she wasn't paying attention. 

In regards to reading, there was a time her Grandma Navis made a mailbox at her house and put letters in envelopes so the kids could play mail. Eden eagerly opened her envelope and read her letter out loud. It was something like:

"Dear Eden,

We are so happy that you came to our house! 

We will play and have supper together. 

I love you so much,

Love,

Grandma"

Or we will be driving along and she'll read the name of a store or a sign on the road. She clearly could not have memorized these words or be guessing based on pictures. 

Yet, we couldn't get any video. When we asked her to read for us, she said she can't or she didn't want to read. Much like this:

But happily, on this same occasion ^^ I suggested (again) to her that she take it one word at a time, which reminded her of a song. (You have to listen pretty carefully to hear her read, but she's doing it.)

Since then, it seems as though she has relaxed and the pressure is off. She'll generally read now if we ask her to, and will read books to her sister from time to time as well. Her favorite way to read currently is for her and Bash to take turns reading the voices of characters or lines from Dr. Seuss books (some of which she has memorized, but some of it is legit reading.) This is very fun, but imagine reading "Fox in Sox" with two four year olds each taking a page... it takes forever! The last time we did this, about half-way through, Eden told me, "My mouth is tired!"

 This is reading "Frog and Toad," a book that we had recently gotten from the library. Maybe partly memorized, but certainly not all of it.

In regards to writing, Eden has a similar performance anxiety that we haven't broken through yet. She writes her name regularly, and she has written all the letters before - again when we are not paying any attention. But as soon as we want her to try to write something, she says she can't.
We're in no hurry, though, there's plenty of time; she's only four.

Sebastien has no problems reading or writing in front of a camera, mostly because I don't think he has the least bit of self-consciousness to him. He writes his alphabet often. He reads whenever he gets a chance.

One day when we were doing workbooks, Bash was reading instructions and following them, and then he just took off and started writing numbers. I had not seen him do this before; I had not been working with him on this. He just tried and did it. (These next two videos are one video broken into two parts.)

So, there you have it. Two kids who are reading and writing at four years old. I'm proud as a peacock. Though, certainly if they weren't, I'd be just as proud just because they are who they are. Two delightful, inquisitive, creative, kind and funny little kiddos.

Summer Pictures

Here are some of my favorite pictures of our kids from our summer photo shoot with our the spectacular photog Sara Leo, who shot these while she was 8 months pregnant. 

I  feel like these in particular capture our kids' personalities and their relationships to each other.

The first two are maybe my favorite pictures ever in life.

Two. Years. Old.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Violet Christine! 

Violet is such a joy. She makes us smile a million times every day with her wonderful personality. It will be very difficult to sum up all the ways that she delights us, but I will try.

Violet is very verbal. She started talking a lot around 18 months and her vocabulary is just amazing. (Our current favorite thing she says is, "I have a hypothesis.") She can certainly hold her own in a conversation and she plays alongside of Sebastien and Eden without missing too much. We have joked that she is our parrot, because she mimics everything she hears. She likes to start her sentences with "Maybe..." or "Probably..." or "I think..." 

She loves songs, and she often sings to herself in her crib or while she's playing. We noticed this already around 19 months or so, she was easily singing 5 or 6 songs regularly and could sing even more when prompted. Back then, her repertoire included "God is so Good," "Jesus Loves Me," "This is the Day," "Happy Birthday," and "Jingle Bells." But now I couldn't even begin to list all of the songs she sings. She knows the words to most of the songs on the CD's we listen to in the car, and at night when I am rocking her, she sings along with the words to her Praise Baby CD. 

Violet has earned another nickname: "Me too." This girl wants to do whatever the twins are doing. She wants to try everything and she is quite brave. She is good at making us all laugh. She is also thoughtful. We do highs and lows at the dinner table, and while we sometimes get vague answers from the twins ("what we're doing right now" is the typical answer), Violet would often say "going to the playground" or "when Daddy came home." Note I say "would," because currently her favorite answer is to look down bashfully and say "nothing," and then peek up to see if we are smiling at how cute she is. Which we generally are.

Even with all of this mimicking and "me too" stuff,  Violet likes being the littlest and the baby. Sometimes I will ask her, "Are you a big girl or a baby?" She always answers "baby." Sometimes when she doesn't want to try something she will tell me "I too little." (Which is interesting because we very rarely tell her that.) Of course she likes getting bigger...When people ask her "How old are you now Violet?" She proudly answers "Two Years Old!"

Violet is a good sleeper; rather, once she is asleep, she sleeps like a champ. We are almost never up in the middle of the night with her, unless she is sick. She has become a bit of a monkey when it's bedtime; she likes to bounce around and sing and play games, like throwing all of her puppies and blankets out of her bed and then calling "Mommy, where are you? I need my puppies!" or something like that. Speaking of, she sleeps with four or five beanie-baby size puppies, two blankies and currently (only) two pacis. (Down from 4.) Oh, and baby Jenna. It's quite a party in her bed. Last week we moved a toddler bed into her room so that she could get used to it. Just this week I took the bumper out of her crib. We'd like to keep her in her crib for awhile yet, but she is already trying to climb out, so we're preparing ourselves for what is ahead.

Nap time. Crib isn't quite so full in this picture.

Violet also loves to draw and color. She has had a great artist's grip on her writing tools since very early on. She colors well and can draw some shapes. Violet knows almost all of the letters of the alphabet, though she confuses "K" and "X" sometimes. When she gets to "V," she says "V for Violet!" She likes reading, but honestly does not get the same amount of time with books as S & E did when they were two. She just gets distracted by her brother and sister, and often would rather follow them around than sit with me and read.

Violet can play well by herself - she loves to sit and play people or animals or cars, and she will just sit and talk and tell stories, making things talk to each other. She also plays well with Sebastien and Eden. It's very interesting to watch these relationships develop. She has a very sweet and affectionate relationship with Sebastien. She will let him approach her at any time, even when she is very tired and grumping at others in the family. And he will let her kind of "tackle" him and he's such a good sport, he just laughs with her. Often he will read to her. Violet and Eden also get along, but they do have more moments of butting heads, though mostly it's around sharing issues. Even with that, Violet asks for Eden, walks around calling for her, and asks me to get her sometimes. Violet loves to say "Look at me" and very often she is saying "Look at me, Eden!" I think she likes to have her sister's approval. 

I also just really love that all three of them play together well. I have always worried that Violet will feel left out or excluded because of the twin bond. But so far, it seems that (once again) I am worrying over nothing. Or over not much. They get along well and I often feel very proud of their budding relationships.

Truly nothing I write is feeling adequate to describe my sweet little sunshine. The light and the amusement, the pure joy that she brings to our family every day has been such a blessing. I'll let some pictures do the talking, though they don't seem to do her justice either. 

Sweetest little 2 year old!

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! 

I love you so much!

Having just woken up from a nap, she wasn't so sure about this homemade "Slip N Slide"

Violet's "focus" face

Hugging her "2" candle

A birthday cupcake

Do you ever wonder about the day Violet was born....?

My Violet will be two years old tomorrow!! And, yes, a long, text-heavy blog post will follow to update you all on how darling and wonderful she is.

But first, I decided to finally edit together the little bits of video we took on the day Violet was born.

Three notes:
1. Remember, I was over a week overdue. So, yes I was huge. And those hospital gowns are very unflattering.
2. Violet was born at 6:08pm. Just remember that when you are watching Adam and me joke around at 5:15pm. She was an easy delivery. :)
3. The last little clip of just Violet's sweet face was well after she was one week old. Yes, we are those typical parents with hours and hours of video footage of their first children and not as much of our beautiful, still very loved and appreciated next child. I hope she can forgive us some day.

More Swimming

We have been in the water a lot this summer. The kids absolutely love it. So, to document just a bit of all this wonderful time, here are some pictures from our summer of swimming.

Ok, technically, this is just prior to swimming, but it's so cute.

Picnic after a nice long swim

The next several are from the Kroc center in GR; we went with Adam's parents, and we all had a blast! (Here's Eden, checking it all out with Daddy before she decides whether she's going to like it.)

Bash got right in and loved every minute.

Laughing at Grandpa getting dumped on by a bucket of water

Practicing some kicking before we got our life jackets on

None of the kids were big enough for the big slide, but here's Adam giving it a go. 

With all the water shooting everywhere, Eden wanted someone with her to act as her umbrella as she found her way to the slide. That someone was often me, which is why you might notice in the next picture that my hair matted down from being dumped on again and again. Worth it though!!

It is not always easy for our Eden to have fun in very loud places, but she ended up doing so much, and what she didn't want to do, she just told us clearly and moved to the next thing. She had so much fun!

There was a nice shallow spot, with lots of fun little bubbles and fountains for Vi.

Violet's one time down the slide...she's clinging to Daddy

Ok, just a few more now...

Just so happy!!